When your husband cheats on you

JenT · **Joined:** Mon Dec 01, 2008 10:17 pm **Posts:** 2729

I don't know why I've been thinking of offering this support group. I haven't thought about my husband in a long time. I'm not even sure if it will be 2 or 3 years this Sept. since I kicked him out for the last time.

So I'll start with my story and hopefully it will encourage anyone struggling with this to tell theirs.

My "not-husband" kept falling off the wagon and cheating on me. Every time he did it, it took a chunk of my heart until there wasn't anything left and I kicked him out and kept him out. It's hard because I know Christ is his only hope of sobriety and he doesn't know any Christians except me. His girlfriend strives to keep him drunk with her so we are diametrically opposed. I've been told by bartenders...complaining bartenders...of the fights she will get in with them after they cut him off. They always seem to expect me to do something, but I have no answers. I can't help. I'm done with being treated like a jailor every time he comes crawling back, begging to be forgiven, only to be seen almost immediately as the person that gets in his way of his next drink.

The irrational anger as he tried to white-knuckle it, too proud to go to A.A., he never lasted long before I'd start finding evidence that he was drinking again, and the wrath he felt toward ME when he tried to abstain. Then the phone calls from his girlfriend bragging about how she'd been with him...too much.

He's almost died on three different occasions in the hospital. The last time they said he stopped breathing. His whole plan is to drink himself to death, he wasn't supposed to live past New Years. The last time I saw him I almost didn't recognize him, his fingernails were grown out and curled like claws, when I knew him he was tan and blonde and larger than life. Now he's pasty pale with dark hair sort of floating all over the place.

When the hospital bills stop coming, I start to worry. I can't have him in my life but I'm still concerned. I even check the county death certificates just to know if he's still alive. It stinks to be dependant on your husband's girlfriend to let you know you're a widow.

But I should be grateful, she actually called to tell me the doctors said he was dying. (He didn't). But that must have been a hard call for her to make, since she lured him back with the bottle.

And I could not believe the last time he tried to talk his way back home. He told me his girlfriend means nothing to him, and to prove it he had run off with two other women for days at a time and it didn't matter to either one of them. :shock:

"Oh sure, buddy, cheating on your girlfriend too makes you SO much more appealing, move right back in...what was I thinking?" :wall:

If anyone else is dealing with cheating or alcoholic/drug addict husbands or wives, I'm here. I understand. Now that I've seen it up close and understand better what's going on and the depth of the sickness (and alcoholism IS genetic), well, it's just hard for somebody to understand all the collision of powerful emotions as we watch our husband or wife self-destruct.

And if it's bad there is NOTHING we can do about it. God can, but we really do become the enemy in their eyes.

JenT · **Joined:** Mon Dec 01, 2008 10:17 pm **Posts:** 2729

and what's really ironic is I would have loved to relax and have a drink with him and laugh away. But to a serious, liver-failing-drinking-anyway alcoholic, that drink is death. Combine that with drunk driving and falling asleep smoking cigarettes and we're talking death of my kids as well.

Anyone out there dealing with this stuff, pull up a chair.

It really does get better with prayer and time.

goneisback · **Posted:** Thu Aug 06, 2009 8:48 am

Oh the stories we could tell. My marriage ended due to alcohol, drugs and affairs. I stuck with him for a long time but then figured out that I was only hurting him, my children and even me. Ironically enough, he filed for divorce and then didn't proceed as scheduled but since it was already filed, my attorney went forward with it.

Anyway, I understand the pain, the unbelief, the shock, the anger, etc. etc. etc.

I am also available to chat and encourage.

When I have more time, I might just do a blog so that I can detail my wonderful roller coaster of a marriage.

Until then, be blessed and be God's.

nointed · **Joined:** Mon Dec 29, 2008 7:12 am **Posts:** 748

Thats ladies for sharing. My first husband, dad to my beautiful sons is an alcoholic and drug addict. He has been in and out of sobriety for years now. I think he has been sober for about three years now and my 18 just went to visit him in July and found his dad is drinking again. It's death to him. He is a terrible addictive drinker. He can't control it and he will lose everything again. I am brokenhearted to hear he has started drinking again because I know the outcome..and also what it did to my son to see his dad this way. Very dissapointing to my son... he so looked up to his father who was his hero.

As christian women, we are put in such a difficult position by our convictions of being Christ like and also by the teachings of the church (well meaning as they are) We struggle back and forth with trying to do the godly thing.. trying to trust in God.. trying to leave it to God..trying to just have more faith, more prayer..shoot.. I remember feeling like I've done everything including raindances upside down on my head to help!

In the end as you two discovered and as I did.. it is alright to walk away at some point because sometimes the right thing to do is to protect your life and your children and sometimes even to help them. Of course you are always the enemy and they are always the victim..but knowing you know the truth and God knows the truth will become what really all that matters and that gives you the strength to really trust God by letting go and moving away from the chaos.

I just went to my dear friends funeral for their 40 year old son who basically drank himself to death. It was tragic...to know where this man had been in life to where he ended up at.. like your hubby Jen.. so sad.

I now have a very dear friend who I have been close to for 16 years and she is back with her drinking ex..and I see the pattern all over again.. and she is a christian and is "trapped" in a marriage where she feels helpless..hopeless and dispondant and is losing everything and every door is closing and she loves him dearly yet her life is fading away... all that she was she is no more... she is depressed and hopeless...and my heart breaks for her because I know I can't make any decisions for her..if I could I would whisk her away from it all....
Cry out to Jesus... He is the only one who can heal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOb8ihacSM4

JenT · **Joined:** Mon Dec 01, 2008 10:17 pm **Posts:** 2729

awwww thanks for sharing all that, both of you! :hug:

I didn't realize we three had that much in common!

I mean, we've all talked about it, but not all at one time (oh now I'm really sounding silly...)

I think I really needed to hear what you both said because today, (I think I posted the opening post yesterday) my "not-husband" called me. Total shock, it's been so long. It's such a coincidence that he called a day after I posted that, I'm wondering if he's reading this site??? I doubt it, he showed NO interest in it while we were married, none whatsoever but who knows.

Anyway he sounded sober and is trying to put his life back together it sounds like. Dude, if you're reading this, God bless you in that, really, but I got off that merry-go-round, not getting on again. :stop:

But I'm going to assume he's not reading this. I probably mentioned this website ONCE and I'm sure he never actually heard me. The only interest I've ever seen him have in the internet was p.o.r.n.

Anyway, hearing him sober seemed very threatening to me. I can't hardly talk to him for fear of getting sucked into his stuff again. I have always cared about what happened to my ex's but my heart has really steeled to this. I can't imagine anyone that would have a worse shot in my life than my not. We are legally separated. I wouldn't mess up that protection for anything. I wish him well though.

and bless you, gone and nointed, for being here! :hearts:

Bobbers64 · **Joined:** Wed Jan 28, 2009 12:15 pm **Posts:** 67

I've never been married or even dated anyone that had cheating/addictive issues. But as I get to know God better, spending more time, I begin to recognize the folly of the substitutes many humans use to fill emptiness and dull pain in their lives. It won't work... it never has, and it never will. A man in the Bible who had had all the money and power and women anyone could ever want said this as he neared the end of his days... "The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil." Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

God bless you ladies, you've traveled a tough road, but you have a good and faithful God who has traveled that road with you. Keep your hearts, minds, eyes, and ears open to Him.

Shepherdess · **Joined:** Wed Dec 10, 2008 10:29 am **Posts:** 594

Bobbers64 wrote:

I've never been married or even dated anyone that had cheating/addictive issues. But as I get to know God better, spending more time, I begin to recognize the folly of the substitutes many humans use to fill emptiness and dull pain in their lives. It won't work... it never has, and it never will. A man in the Bible who had had all the money and power and women anyone could ever want said this as he neared the end of his days... "The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil." Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

God bless you ladies, you've traveled a tough road, but you have a good and faithful God who has traveled that road with you. Keep your hearts, minds, eyes, and ears open to Him.

GOOD WORD!

JenT · **Joined:** Mon Dec 01, 2008 10:17 pm **Posts:** 2729

Saw the ex yesterday. I am seriously in shock he is still alive. He got a huge workman's comp settlement, bought a big shiney new truck so he can do what he did when he fell off the wagon so long ago. He needed his tools from the garage so I loaded them all up and took them to a nearby parking lot. He looks so much better than he did in the hospital. Shaves his head now like that guy in The SHIELD and it looks good. We didn't really talk much, it was the same ol', me complimenting stuff like his truck, his bringing up his drinking and kicking himself for it. I have no clue what he expects me to say, so I don't say anything. And he kept bringing it up and how much money he's wasted and calling himself names. What does he want me to say? Is he trying to confess? Trying to get me to talk about his problems? Looking for a jailer? Trying to get me to argue with him and say he's not so bad? Looking for sympathy?

I just ignored it and kept helping loading his tools in his truck. Adios muchachos.

I'm happy he's getting his life back together, but I'm filing the last papers for the divorce tomorrow. I couldn't divorce a dying man and cut off his medical insurance. But now...where IS that pen...

nointed · **Joined:** Mon Dec 29, 2008 7:12 am **Posts:** 748

Some choices are not easy and we search for the right direction, and search our souls even to know the right thing to do. And sometimes God doesnt make it so easy.. so black & white... sometimes its a process (and there is healing and growth in that process). But when you are sure.. when you know truly in your heart that right thing to do.. you can do it.

I know this has been a long and painful process.. many layers and many prayers... May you know you are founded in His strength.. you are valuable in His Kingdom.. worth being loved and cherished, because you are the daughter of the King. You are so many things that make you so special.

I pray for peace and smooth sailing thru the rest of this journey. I am happy to hear he is doing well and able to move on.. You don't owe him anything anymore..except the love of Jesus (which I know you have given over and over).

hmmm.... wonder where my FW book is.. maybe its time to do a study again. lol

Have a great Sunday and new week!!!

JenT · **Joined:** Mon Dec 01, 2008 10:17 pm **Posts:** 2729

DONE!

Pray for him though, if you feel like it. I honestly hope the best for him...

but meanwhile....

IM BACK!

even though at this moment I can't hardly move I'm so soar...

When your husband cheats on you

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